I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
my nose is crying tears of wow.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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