you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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