So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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