I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
