you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
