Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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