You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
