well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
