is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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