No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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