I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You are the jesus of drinking
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
