this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
