nut hugger
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
