the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
