my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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