apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
