I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
