I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
