I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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