Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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