how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
