You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
