there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
