i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We are all done wearing pants today
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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