Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He shit in the fireplace
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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