Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
