my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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