I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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