i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
