if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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