its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
