so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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