obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
