I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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