Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
