My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
