what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
