Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
