had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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