the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
