Apparently you make a good broom.
This girl is more easily done than said...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
