ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
