I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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