I CAN MOONWALK!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
