Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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