If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
COCAINE IS GR8
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
