I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
