Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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