Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
