i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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